CNN iReport

INDY'S CORNER - October 15, 2009

I'm sure most of you by now have seen the "Liberal vs. Conservative" chain e-mail flying around these days.  A few iReporters have posted it.  The letter is said to be all in good fun, just a few light-hearted jabs at those of the Democratic persuasion, right?  Unfortunately, the e-mail, like so many electronically distributed rants, is chock-full of mischaracterizations, distortions and stereotypes, designed to give one set of people a smug sense of righteousness over another.  Here's a brief excerpt:

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.



But hey, as long as conservatives can have some "light-hearted fun" by completely misrepresenting and demonizing liberals, how's-about the liberals have a few laughs at their expense?  Please feel free to forward this to any bleeding-heart commie in your address book, or even to some conservatives who you don't really want to stay friends with.

Let me preface by saying I don't really believe a word of the below.  Those of you who read Indy's Corner know that I'm all about building bridges.  Enjoy!  It's just a joke!  Unless, of course, there are people out there who actually believe this stuff...

If a liberal believes in the Ten Commandments, he quietly lives by them.
If a conservative believes in the Ten Commmandments, he puts a big granite statue on government property, so all can be reminded that this is a Christian Nation.

If a liberal wants his children to be safe, he supports legislation that would keep emotionally disturbed teenagers from buying semi-automatic weapons at gun shows and bringing them to school.
If a conservative wants his children to be safe, he gives them the key to his gun closet, then drives away in his F-350 with the "Choose Life" bumper sticker.

If a liberal believes abortion is murder, she doesn't get one. 
If a conservative believes abortion is murder, she proudly makes that decision for everybody else as well. 

If a liberal wants to say a prayer in school, he goes and says a prayer on his own time. 
If a conservative wants to say a prayer in school, he demands everybody else join in.

If a liberal is down-and-out, he appreciatively utilizes the social safety net he happily paid into when things were better. 
If a conservative is down-and-out, he begrudgingly utilizes the social safety net he fought against tooth-and-nail, when things were better.

If a liberal doesn't believe in same-sex marriage, he doesn't get married to someone of the same sex. 
If a conservative doesn't believe in same-sex marriage, he tries to get the Constitution changed so that no one, anyplace, anytime, can ever marry someone of the same sex, whether they share his religious beliefs about homosexuality or not.

If a liberal starts a successful business, he gladly contributes a portion of his profit back to the community that provided his education, the infrastructure on which his business depends, and the government that made sure big business played by the rules so he had a chance to succeed. 
If a conservative starts a successful business, he complains ad nauseum about having to pay his fair share; after all, he's a self-made man, having worked and paid his own way through elementary and high school, having built the roads and bridges himself, and having personally regulated everything from the banks that provided his business loans to the monopolistic mega-retailers that would crush him like a bug on concrete.

When a liberal exercises his right to free speech, he speaks his mind, supporting his opinion with facts and sound reasoning, then gives others a chance. 
When a conservative exercises his right to free speech, he calls anyone that disagrees with his viewpoint a Godless Marxist Out to Destroy America.

If a liberal wants the world to embrace freedom, he sets an example by making sure that human rights are observed even when it's difficult. 
If a conservative wants the world to embrace freedom, he sets an example by holding innocent people with no right of habeas corpus, and torturing them.

A liberal demands that the government appropriately regulate the free market, so that the capitalist system is fair for everybody. 
A conservative fights government regulation tooth and nail, until he loses two-thirds of his retirement fund due to Wall Street gambling his money on derivatives, at which point he screams that the government should have done more and blames the liberals for everything.

If a liberal doesn't like a talk show, he changes the channel. 
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show, he screams "liberal media bias" and e-mails all his friends about it.

On April 15, a liberal happily gives something back to the society that made his success and his standard of living possible. 
On April 15, a conservative whines like crazy about how much money the government is stealing from him, as if things like the Armed Forces, the FDA and the SEC are supposed to magically pay for themselves.

If a liberal wants to spread democracy, he leads by example, and supports other nations' rights to self-determination.
If a conservative wants to spread democracy, he forces it upon other countries at gunpoint.

If a liberal wants to spread democracy, he lends financial and logistical support to democratic movements.
If a conservative wants to spread democracy, he sends money and weapons to dictators and extremist rebels, who surprisingly come back to be a thorn in our side.

A liberal thinks everyone should be able to access the same quality medical care, even if they're laid off, or working for a very small company at low wages.
A conservative thinks rich folks and their kids deserve the best care, because anything else would be too "European."

A liberal thinks Al-Qaida is the enemy.
A conservative thinks Iraq, France, and the United Nations are the enemy.

A liberal thinks America's greatness lies in its diversity.
A conservative thinks certain states make up the "real" America, and others apparently belong to a "fake" America of elitist intellectuals.

A liberal supports our troops by fighting to keep them out of harm's way unless there is a real threat to America, and a clearly-defined, achievable mission.
A conservative supports our troops by making sure they're never in danger of another dude openly looking at their junk.

If a liberal reads this, he'll have a good laugh.
if a conservative reads this, he'll hit "delete," because spiteful ignorance is only funny when it comes from your own team; the rest of the time, it's just pathetic.