CNN iReport

OK, for those of you who did not find (or read) my post on the Bulwer-Lytton Awards funny, I thought to myself  "Where the heck is the humor here on iReports? Everyone is so darn serious all the time!"  So here goes, I will attempt to lighten everyone's load a wee bit and present you with the current running of the 2009 Darwin Award winners. (For those uninitiated among you who have never heard of these awards...where the heck have you been?)

The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of  the human genome by honoring those who  accidentally remove themselves from it...

So, here we go with the current standings for the year that is almost over...2009! (Yeah, applause, applause, applause...)

1 - (30 May 2009, Louisiana) Back seat drivers beware! Annoyed at how slowly her boyfriend was driving, Tamera B, 22, encouraged him to pick up the pace so she could get to work on time. Joking that it would be faster to walk to work, she opened the door of the pickup and stuck her foot out before falling to her death. Deputies of the jurisdictional Sheriff's Office stated that the truck was traveling at highway speed on I-12 at the time of the incident.

Her death was ruled accidental.

2 - (3 June 2009, North Carolina) Greensboro was innundated with four inches of pouring rain in two hours leading to standing water, and stranding cars on several roads. Rosanne Tippett, 50, was not deterred. She hopped on her moped and drove to a convenience store where she possibly had a beer, according to her mother, before deciding to blunder home through the storm. She phoned home to share her intentions, saying, "My moped has two rubber wheels, Mom, I'll be fine."

North Carolina does not require a license to own a moped. Ms. Tippett had acquired hers two years previously after a DUI conviction.

The Highway Patrol had blocked off several roads that were inundated with water, including Ms. Tippett's path home. But Ms. Tippett rode right past the officer and the barriers, lost control of her vehicle, and fell into the swollen creek below. The officer retrieved rope from his vehicle and proceeded to haul her from the water.

He then interviewed Ms. Tippett, probably inquiring about her motivation for speeding through a roadblock during a flash flood. The officer began to suspect that she had been drinking. When he briefly returned to his patrol car, Ms. Tippett took the opportunity to confirm his suspicions. She escaped--by jumping back into the creek!

The Highway Patrol officer attempted to rescue her again, but alas, it was too late. The victim's mother speculated that her daughter's motivation for jumping into a flooded creek was to rescue her drowning moped. "She loved that thing."

3 - (27 June 2009, Pennsylvania) A severe storm damaged power lines and left 17,000 homes without electricity. Mieczyskaw Mil, 64, was one of the affected parties. His power line serviced only 17 homes and therefore was one of the last to be repaired. Seven hours after the line fell, Mieczyskaw Mil finally lost his patience.

The old man had been shooed away repeatedly by firefighters who were guarding the power line. "Police and firefighters literally chased him away. We did everything we could," said Dick Martinkovic, commissioner of public safety in Sullivan County. But they were not prepared for the homeowner's sudden bold move.

Frustrated with waiting, Mil emerged from his home shortly after midnight with an industrial circular saw in his hand and plastic bags on his feet. He stood in a puddle of water and attempted to saw through a 4800-volt feeder line that was dangling off the pole. He fell and became tangled in the hissing and buzzing live wire. While emergency responders waited for utility workers to shut down the power, Mil was busy being killed by continuous electrocution.

The story says it all. He was repeatedly shooed away from the power line, but insisted on cutting it while standing in a puddle, and now is safely out of the gene pool. Thanks for doing our species a favor, Mil!

4 - (12 October 2009, Florida) The Slush Pile mods say age fifteen is too young to win, but this case might be an exception. A Palm Bay couple and their 15-year-old son were putting up a ham radio antenna one evening. Bafflingly, not one of them thought to survey their surroundings. Unaware of the presence of an unseen menace overhead, the trio raised the aerial pole in the dark, struck a power line, and Zap! Three Darwin Award winners.

"It is an unfortunate set of circumstances that led to the most tragic result," said the Palm Bay Fire Marshal. "It happened in an instant." However, it can hardly be called an accident. All three were voluntary particpants and old enough to know better.

Readers beware, power lines lurk overhead waiting for the unwary. Our thanks to 55-year-old Melville, 49-year-old Anna and 15-year-old Anthony for reminding us not to stick a pole in the power grid. Just say no to premature cremation.

5 - (30 April 2009, York, United Kingdom) In another DIY project gone wrong, a homeowner attempting to demolish a large brick garden shed succeeded in his primary objective, but suffered collateral damage when the cement slab roof demolished the unfortunate chap.

Speaking to the press, a neighbour described the accident as unspeakable.

The flattened 41-year-old was alone on his property at the time. One has to query the wisdom of undertaking a demolition project with no one on hand in the event of a mishap. However, a neighbor who happened to witness the incident immediately summoned help. Firefighters used hydraulic rams and high pressure air bags to allow paramedics to reach the man, but it was too late. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

In the unequal contest between mortal flesh and cement slab, the slab always wins.

There you have them, Ladies and Gentleman! Enjoy! http://www.darwinawards.com/